I was thinking, how come I’ve been able to stop self harming, but I still feel that something is wrong? Why am I having all these seemingly horrible mood swings? I seem to overreact to small situations that rarely bother anybody else. I never knew when my mood was going to change, or what would trigger it. And it scared me.
They told me they’d pick me up at shortly after 6. I’ve been ready for 6 o’clock. I wait for 10 minutes. They’re not here, they’ve forgotten about me. They’re abandoning me. Who would want to pick me up anyway? They eventually show up at 12 minutes after. Well, why couldn’t they tell me 6:10???
My best friend isn’t just my best friend, she’s like, the best person in my life right now, and I always want to spend time with her, I always want to sit with her because she’s awesome. But when someone else asks to hang out with her, I get upset, because it feels as if she’s more important than me. How DARE my best friend have another friend!
At the beginning of January, I sensed that something was wrong with me. There had to be a reason for all of the things I have been feeling. I had a feeling it was BPD, since I displayed many of the symptoms. So I made an appointment to see a psychiatrist. My appointment was on Tuesday, and I was really anxious and worried about it. I didn’t know what to expect, and I didn’t want to say the wrong thing. I’ve been informed that you can’t say ‘the wrong thing’, you just tell the truth, and there’s nothing wrong with that. So I went in, and I waited. He called me in and he asked me a ton of different questions regarding my life and my symptoms. He asked me to describe each symptom and he went through the list. Overall the appointment went better than I thought it would. I was finally diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.
It actually felt kind of freeing. Just to know, after all these years of thinking I was crazy. That’s the main reason I even made the appointment, was to get a diagnosis. Because now I know that it wasn’t just me. I connect it all with my past and it all makes sense. All the symptoms I’ve had through high school even. There’s a reason I acted the way I did. But why did it take them 6 years to figure this out?? I sat through pointless therapy and they didn’t even think to tell me I exhibited these symptoms? How did they not see it? Instead they told me I was overreacting. My problems weren’t ‘problems’.
I’ve been constantly researching and personally I seem to fit the ‘QUIET’ Borderline. There’s the classic, and there’s the quiet. They both have the same symptoms, and they’re both BPD, but the main difference is that the ‘QUIET’ Borderlines are ‘Acting In’, while the ‘CLASSIC’ Borderlines are ‘Acting Out’. There’s a video I’ll put below that explains it more.
Treatment is optional. The psychiatrist suggested DBT, increasing or changing my medication, or just simple counseling. From what I’ve read, I don’t really seem too fond of DBT. I don’t like the idea of meeting in a ‘group’ setting. I don’t like the idea of ‘mindfulness’. I read that it has helped many people, but I also have read that it’s not going to work for everyone. We are all different, despite having the same personality disorders. So right now I’m on the rocks about treatment in general. (If anyone has any advice or experience with these treatments, let me know in the comments)
I’ve also realized that there is a lot of Stigma surrounding BPD. So much so that I’m not even sure I want to tell certain people. Especially people I don’t trust, or people who don’t understand in the first place. That being said, as a Christian, the thing I am most afraid of – concerning telling certain people – is that they might immediately think they should pray for healing… It’s NOT something I need healing from. It’s my personality. It’s only something I can recover from. It’s something I can only learn to cope and deal with regularly. It’ll probably be hard, and it’ll probably take time, but I believe that I can learn to deal with this. And I’ll have God with me all the way.